Alone in the Crowd

Dear Reader,

Ever heard the saying, "Alone even though you're in a crowd"?

I was a homeschooled child who moved around a lot. By the time I was 15, I had moved at least ten times, over many cities and over three countries.


Because of this, I cherished any bond I made with friends in the various cities I lived in. Because of the nature of my dad's ministry, those friends were often older than me. More like young adults while I was only a child.

But I didn't care at the time. They cared for me, loved me, took the time to play with and look after me and my younger siblings.

So naturally, once I was 15 and was more or less firmly established in one place, I hoped to find a youth group where I could form similar bonds. I thought that it was time I made friends with people my own age, and I believed that I could find them in the church youth group.

So I entered that youth group service with high hopes and dreams.

Which were dashed when no one came up to talk to me after the service.

Sure, the youth pastor's wife and a couple of teens welcomed me when I first came in. But afterwards, when I hoped to have more in-depth conversations, I was left alone.

I went home thinking that maybe everyone was busy and that it would be different next week.

Nope. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

No difference as weeks passed. And I only got lonelier.

I began to long for my older friends from other places. But I didn't want to bother them because they were busy with their own families, their own lives.

I then thought, "Maybe I'm not approachable? Maybe that's why they don't want to talk to me?"

So I forced myself to be more of a participant in the youth service. I thought that maybe they would be more willing to talk to me if I participated more in activities. So I began to go to whatever meetings I could go. Tried to welcome newcomers, but more often than not they already had friends in the service.

Worst of all, when I tried to talk to some of the other girls, I realized I was on a completely different wavelength. They were interested in fashion, shopping, vacations. I was interested in stationary, reading, writing.

It's no surprise then that I got along better with the guys than the girls.

I finally resigned myself to the facts that, when I went to youth service, the only ones who would greet me were the leaders and some teens and that I would probably not have meaningful conversations.

I felt so empty. So alone. Even though I was in a crowd.

Familiar story, yes?

My parents would normally comfort me when I felt like this. They'd say, "You still have us and the boys [my younger siblings], Jo dear. And, most important of all, you have Jesus with you." Then, very gently, they would tell me, "If you want a friend so much, dear, why don't you pray for God to give you one?"

Oh, how I prayed for one. I couldn't really understand how to make Jesus my friend since, to me, all I was having was a one-sided conversation talking to empty air. I knew Jesus was all powerful... but how could He talk to me like my parents did?

In His love, Jesus sent me this group of older ladies to befriend me. I found comfort, encouragement, and fellowship with them, and I wasn't so lonely any more.

But when I went home and was staring up at my ceiling just before I went to sleep, loneliness would once again overwhelm my soul.

During the day, when I have my family and friends to talk to and when I have books to study, I didn't feel lonely. During the night, without all of that... that creature named loneliness would haunt me.

It wasn't until recently, when I picked up the Bible after a long time, did I begin to have some inkling of what it meant to have Jesus as my friend.

All along, in prayer, I'd think that I was just telling God about my day and that I could not really expect a reply.

But then, when I began to read the Bible... it was like Jesus was speaking to me and telling me that He was always there for me. That I wasn't alone anymore.

"Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen." -Matthew 28:20

And when I read other scriptures and verses, it was like He was reassuring me that His love for me was never-ending. That I'd always have somewhere I could run to.

I tell you, it makes me want to cry with tears of joy. In fact, I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking about it.

When feelings of loneliness start to overwhelm me, I think about what He said to me in His Word, His Letter of Love to His Bride, the Church. The Bible.

And I'm not lonely any more.

Family and friends can only do so much to relieve these feelings of loneliness. It is only Jesus that can make you feel not alone, even though you might be alone in the crowd.

Do you feel lonely? Pick up the Bible and start reading through it. It's Jesus writing a letter to you. :)

God bless you and yours.

Yours truly,
Joanna
A Minister's Daughter

Matthew 28:20

P.S. I am happy to inform you that you can now find me on Twitter and Tumblr. No Instagram, though, since I don't really take pictures. Oh, and please make sure that your profile isn't intimidating. I won't follow you back if it is. :P
Twitter: @JOei2911
Tumblr: daughterofaminister.tumblr.com

UPDATE ON ME: I'm still struggling with my k-pop obsession. Terrible. As for my other struggle, I had woken up in the middle of the night because of the family dog, and nasty (read: immoral) images suddenly popped up in my head. *sighs* More Bible reading and listening to Christian music for me.

Song of the Week:  "He Said" by Group 1 Crew feat. Christ August. YouTube link to their official video. :)

And I'm signing off for real this time. *poofs*