Getting Burned

This is a continuation of my earlier post, Playing With Fire, as it came to my attention that many people felt the same way or went through the same problem, but didn't know how to deal with it. I don't pretend to know the perfect solution. But this was how it went down for me.

Dear Reader,

It is said that when you play with fire, you will get burned.

When I relapsed into reading that sort of material at age sixteen, I knew I was in trouble.

If you are like me, you had probably been taught the whole Bible doctrine. Sin is bad. Call out to God and He would help deliver you from sin.


But when we're actually in that sort of situation, those words often seem meaningless.

We are left wondering if God actually hears us. If God actually cares that we are sinning.

Because deep down somewhere, we expect a lightning bolt to come down from heaven and a voice saying, "What you are doing is wrong!"

One part of me wanted to test God. Wanted to see if He really cared about me as much as the Bible says. I wanted so badly for the people around me to see this monster of sin within me and drag me away from this mess.

Wanting to hide, yet wanting to be discovered.

I didn't know how to deal with this. I was getting desperate for a solution as all my self-imposed ones were simply failing.

Then the leader of my prayer group came forward with the same problem. She was bold enough to confess to us all that she had done the same thing as I had and that she had looked into programs to help her kick the habit. She recommended the online program, Setting Captives Free.

Not knowing what else to do and sick of sinning over and over again, I joined that program. I read all the testimonials about people being set free from porn, and I thought, "Maybe this is what I need."

Within two months I was back to my old ways.

Why?

The program was good. The system was good.

So what was the problem?

Me.

I had not wanted to let go of this sin, even though it was slowly burning me.

What do I mean when I say it burned me?

Those things caused me to feel all sorts of things. Like the following. Would any guy want me in that way? Would I ever feel those things one day? Am I pretty enough for a guy to want me? When I read the descriptions of the girls, I'd think to myself, "I can never compare to that, I'm not beautiful."

I thought a lot of other things, but those are the milder ones. It damaged my mind, even though I was physically fine.

So how did I came out of it?

Not in the way you'd expect.

All of these feelings welled up in me until I basically exploded. I was tired. I didn't know what to do. My almost-gone conscience kept whispering and telling me that it was wrong.

So, in a flurry of tears, I confessed to my mom what I had been doing.

Mom was shocked. But she didn't push me away, like I had been secretly expecting. I had thought she would be angry with me and yell at me.

She didn't.

She instead quietly took me aside and asked me gently why I had done it.

I broke down even more.

However, I was still stubbornly thinking that God could not help me. That I had to cleanse myself first. This was a destructive way of thinking that resulted in the fact that I couldn't get free.

It wasn't until some months later, when I confessed the truth to my dad as well, that I could completely and honestly say I could not cleanse myself.

Complete confession. Complete belief that what you had done was wrong. That you need God to save you. That you can no longer rely on your own strength.

I once thought that was impossible to do, impossible to believe.

But God's grace is sufficient for me.

Since that second confession (which I made in March 2013), I haven't touched that material.

It's foolish to think that I haven't touched it because of parental restrictions. If I wanted to, I could still read it and still sin. When there's a will, there's a way.

Then what is stopping me?

Conviction.

It is one thing to say that you know what the Bible says inside-out.

It is another to completely and utterly believe the Bible from the very depths of your heart.

Simply put, on the advice of my parents, I began praying more and reading the Bible. I read the Bible out loud and every day. I started to limit my time on the phone and on the computer, and I would meditate on the Bible.

If you're wondering what meditate is... Ever watched a movie/read a book that you could not stop thinking about? That you would play over and over in your mind to figure out what happens next or what a person's motive was? Meditation is something like that. (I didn't know what it meant to meditate, so I decided to put in a little explanation for those of you who were as confused as I was.)

Right now, I have been convicted by what I had been reading in the Bible. I'm now taking an honest look at myself, and I don't like what I see in me.

Why, I don't even know what God sees in me. I may never know that.

What I do know is that God's love is never failing. Who can even imagine His love towards a sinner?

I'll end with this.

If you're struggling with this problem, let me tell you this. I know it's difficult to let go. You're probably feeling guilty over your inability to rid yourself of this sin. You've probably heard a thousand times that you need to cast your burden on God.

So do it. If you can't confess publicly right now, come to God. Honestly like you mean it. Tell Him that  you need Him. Then cut out whatever's causing you to sin. It is better to lose an eye than for the whole body to be cast into hell.

Read the Bible as often and as much as you can. Pray as often as you can.

It'll be slow-going at first. But your faith will rise and grow stronger.

If you are not struggling with this problem, I still have something to tell you. Prevention is better than a cure. If you recall what I said in my earlier post, I relapsed when I stopped reading the Bible daily. So read it daily and believe every word written in it. Pray when the temptation comes.

God loves and forgives, but we must be willing to go to Him. Don't get burned.

Yours truly,
Jo
A Minister's Daughter

P.S. Hopefully I'll write a more light-hearted post for the next one. :)

Hosea 2:1-23