I'm Not Him

Dear Reader,

I am not like my younger brother.

My brother is very diligent in his studies, got perfect scores, and could learn languages easily.

And me? I was a girl who would procrastinate, would get not-so-perfect scores, and would have a difficult time learning languages, no matter how hard she tried.

Take note. My parents NEVER compared me with my brother.

In fact, they would always say, "As long as you do your best, it's ok that the score isn't good. Just try to do better next time."

I would always try to do better. From a young age, I was very aware that my parents didn't exactly have much money, even though they didn't talk much about that subject to us kids. And, as the eldest child, I felt I had to set an example for my younger siblings.

So I was determined that I would do my best in studies to somehow make up for it.

But I would often fail to accomplish my goals. The first time I got a sixty-two on an exam I got so upset and angry with myself. Why did I keep failing?

Why could I not be like my brother?

After many years of this, of trying to get scores that would equal my brother's, I got so frustrated that I simply gave up. I no longer cared to strive for excellence in my studies.

What was the point of trying to excel when, in my eyes, I would always fall short of my brother? When I would always fail to be a good example?

I would still get grades good enough to pass my exams. But I no longer strived to achieve a mark higher than my brother.

But I clung to one consolation: I did well in Literature, unlike my brother.

So when he got 100 in a Literature exam, a score I had not achieved, it was a huge blow to me.

Would I never be enough?

All of that frustration made me think seriously of suicide.

You might laugh at it. But to my mind at the time, my reasoning was that my parents would no longer have to worry about having a worthless daughter. (My words and thoughts, not theirs.)

My brother would be everything a good child should be.

I also started hurting myself for my perceived failures. I could not cut myself, since I knew my parents would find that out easily. So I resorted to other methods. I'd scratch myself, pinch myself, bite my arms, bang my head against the wall or other hard surfaces like books. I would do as much as I could without leaving a permanent mark.

I also set up secret schedules to "atone" for my wrongs. I'd stay up late or get up early to reflect on my wrongs or to study hard as punishment. I would lessen the amount of food I ate in attempts to punish myself.

I felt like a failure who deserved all of that.

Yes, I know the Scriptures. They say, "We are more than conquerors." "You can overcome all things through Christ." "You are precious in God's eyes."

But they meant nothing to me at the time.

I had convinced myself that my self-worth laid in my studies and in being a good daughter and sister.

When all of that is taken away... What am I worth?

On the days when I really hold on to what God says in the Bible, I don't think that I am a failure. I remember that I am a child of God, created in His image. I remember that it is okay to be not like my brother, because God made each of us unique and special. He knew us when we were in our mother's womb.

On the days when I can't really feel what God says, when it feels tempting to just use my own strength to atone for my failures, I remember that Someone already has atoned for me and that He sees me for me. He never compares me to my brother because He created us differently, with different strengths and weaknesses that complement each other.

I'm not my brother. That's okay.

We are all special in God's eyes. Each and every one of us.

We just have to remember that.

Love you all dearly.

Yours truly,
Joanna
A Minister's Daughter