I'm Not Him

Dear Reader,

I am not like my younger brother.

My brother is very diligent in his studies, got perfect scores, and could learn languages easily.

And me? I was a girl who would procrastinate, would get not-so-perfect scores, and would have a difficult time learning languages, no matter how hard she tried.

Take note. My parents NEVER compared me with my brother.

In fact, they would always say, "As long as you do your best, it's ok that the score isn't good. Just try to do better next time."

I would always try to do better. From a young age, I was very aware that my parents didn't exactly have much money, even though they didn't talk much about that subject to us kids. And, as the eldest child, I felt I had to set an example for my younger siblings.

So I was determined that I would do my best in studies to somehow make up for it.

But I would often fail to accomplish my goals. The first time I got a sixty-two on an exam I got so upset and angry with myself. Why did I keep failing?

Why could I not be like my brother?

After many years of this, of trying to get scores that would equal my brother's, I got so frustrated that I simply gave up. I no longer cared to strive for excellence in my studies.

What was the point of trying to excel when, in my eyes, I would always fall short of my brother? When I would always fail to be a good example?

I would still get grades good enough to pass my exams. But I no longer strived to achieve a mark higher than my brother.

But I clung to one consolation: I did well in Literature, unlike my brother.

So when he got 100 in a Literature exam, a score I had not achieved, it was a huge blow to me.

Would I never be enough?

All of that frustration made me think seriously of suicide.

You might laugh at it. But to my mind at the time, my reasoning was that my parents would no longer have to worry about having a worthless daughter. (My words and thoughts, not theirs.)

My brother would be everything a good child should be.

I also started hurting myself for my perceived failures. I could not cut myself, since I knew my parents would find that out easily. So I resorted to other methods. I'd scratch myself, pinch myself, bite my arms, bang my head against the wall or other hard surfaces like books. I would do as much as I could without leaving a permanent mark.

I also set up secret schedules to "atone" for my wrongs. I'd stay up late or get up early to reflect on my wrongs or to study hard as punishment. I would lessen the amount of food I ate in attempts to punish myself.

I felt like a failure who deserved all of that.

Yes, I know the Scriptures. They say, "We are more than conquerors." "You can overcome all things through Christ." "You are precious in God's eyes."

But they meant nothing to me at the time.

I had convinced myself that my self-worth laid in my studies and in being a good daughter and sister.

When all of that is taken away... What am I worth?

On the days when I really hold on to what God says in the Bible, I don't think that I am a failure. I remember that I am a child of God, created in His image. I remember that it is okay to be not like my brother, because God made each of us unique and special. He knew us when we were in our mother's womb.

On the days when I can't really feel what God says, when it feels tempting to just use my own strength to atone for my failures, I remember that Someone already has atoned for me and that He sees me for me. He never compares me to my brother because He created us differently, with different strengths and weaknesses that complement each other.

I'm not my brother. That's okay.

We are all special in God's eyes. Each and every one of us.

We just have to remember that.

Love you all dearly.

Yours truly,
Joanna
A Minister's Daughter

His Ways Are Higher

Dear Reader,

If you recall, in my last post I spoke of my disappointment and confusion when I was rejected by two Singaporean universities.

I was left wondering what on earth God wanted me to do.

And most of all, I wondered if the problem was me.

Had I been arrogant when I applied to those unis? Was I a failure for being rejected?

I didn't know.

And that made me very reluctant to apply to other unis for fear of another rejection. Of once more missing what God wanted me to do.

My parents had to practically force me out of my self-pity party and drag me to apply to other places.

And you know what? I'm glad they did.

On their advice, I applied to places in Australia, secretly doubting I'd be accepted.

To my shock, I was accepted by a uni that ranked higher than the two Singaporean unis that rejected me. It is one of Australia's well-known Great 8 unis.

And I was left amazed and in awe of what Jesus has done.

Is this His will for me? Was this where He had wanted me all along?

Only God knows.

What I do know is His ways are higher than our ways.

Many times His plans are not the same as what we plan.

Thank God for that.

I hope this encourages you as it has encouraged me.

Keep trusting God and believing in Him. He knows our future, our hopes, our dreams, our hearts.

Yours truly,
Joanna
A Minister's Daughter

Jeremiah 29:11

Song of the Moment: "Lord, I Offer My Life" by Don Moen

Alone in the Crowd

Dear Reader,

Ever heard the saying, "Alone even though you're in a crowd"?

I was a homeschooled child who moved around a lot. By the time I was 15, I had moved at least ten times, over many cities and over three countries.

Idol-Worship

Dear Reader,

Have you ever looked at a picture of a celebrity and think to yourself, "That person is so cool/handsome/etc.?"

Or seen him/her act or sing and think, "He/She is so talented!"

Getting Burned

This is a continuation of my earlier post, Playing With Fire, as it came to my attention that many people felt the same way or went through the same problem, but didn't know how to deal with it. I don't pretend to know the perfect solution. But this was how it went down for me.

Dear Reader,

It is said that when you play with fire, you will get burned.

When I relapsed into reading that sort of material at age sixteen, I knew I was in trouble.

If you are like me, you had probably been taught the whole Bible doctrine. Sin is bad. Call out to God and He would help deliver you from sin.

Playing With Fire

EDIT: I wrote this blog post with the homeschooling community in mind. However, as some of my readers pointed out, the issue of sin is a universal thing. I have changed the wording to reflect this, but I would like to emphasize that homeschoolers would still face the problem of sin.

I would advise you to read with caution. I am aware that some parents extensively censor what their children read. However, I believe that this is something people need to know.


Dear Reader,

The descent into sin isn't an immediate one. It is a slow process that drags you in, bit by bit.

My very first encounter with things of a sexual nature was when I was maybe seven/eight. It's been so long ago that I hardly remember.

A Bit About Me

Dear Homeschooled Teen/Homeschooling Parent,

My name is Joanna Oei. You may call me Jo for short if Joanna is a bit of a mouthful.

I started this blog because I want to help you. I know how difficult homeschooling can be. The loneliness. The desire to be normal like the other teens. The pressure of living up to everyone's expectations. The idea that our parents are being overly demanding. The question of believing the same as our parents do.